Ravaging English...slowly but surely

Indians may have made others feel laggards at programming languages but, when it comes to spoken ones, we are definitely not on the top.

I am at Denmark now sharing a hotel room with a compatriot. He comes from another state, I wont name it for obvious reasons but they have been trying very hard to split themselves. My room partner, lets call him ‘JG’, thinks in his mother tongue and translates that into English. He asks a lot of questions, questions my questions and questions my answers. It could be the unique grammar of his mother tongue or the grammatical deficiency on his part but it has resulted to many funny conversations between us.

Here are some samples:

Context: JG has had two beers and alcohol frees the tongue, as we all know. He is talking continuously and very fast – another characteristic of an Indian English speaker. I don’t drink and I like to sharpen my listening skills anytime.
JG: I have complex problems
Me (playing the philosopher): If problems were not complex, we would not be calling them problems.
JG: No man, I have real complex problems.
Me (still playing the philosopher): Show me one person who calls his problems ‘simple’ and ‘fake’.
JG: No man, I feel little when others come.
Me: You feel little when others come?
JG: I feel low.
Me (realization hits me - RHM): You mean you have inferiority complex?
JG: Yes, I feel little and low. I tell you I have complex problems. But I good man.
Me (giving some sort of a verbal hug): I understand, man. I understand what you are saying.

Context: JG has been sleeping throughout the day. I - not really concerned, just curious – ask him if he is okay.
JG: I have lot of headaches, man.
Me: Work bothering you, JG?
JG: Work no, man, just a lot of headaches?
Me (RHM) : Did you get some medicine from India for headaches?

I think he meant ‘severe headache’.

Context: I am frustrated of due to the high prices in Denmark.
Me: I am thinking I should just live it up.
JG: We are at third floor already, man. How more up you want to go?
Me: I mean everything is so damn costly here.
JG: I know fourth floor room has the same price. If you want to live up, we should tell the hotel people.
Me: I am going to cry myself to sleep, JG. Don’t wake me up.
JG: Why you cry if you shift to fourth floor?

Now, I just want to live it dumb.

Context: JG and I go to a shop to buy onions. They are 2 DKK costlier as compared to another shop about a kilometer away. JG says we should go there. I, extreme stupidity on my part, tell him to stop scrimping and look at convenience, once in a while.
JG: You tell I greedy?
Me: When did I say that?
JG: You just tell me stop saving.
Me: I am having a lot of headaches, I no remember I tell that. Me speaka da Chinee.
JG: I am not buying sugar.
I suddenly find something interesting in the deli section – which is at the other end of the store - and run away.

Context: our room has just one bathroom. Its weekend and I am thinking of standing of taking a leisurely shower. I didn’t want that to inconvenience JG since it was rather early in the morning.
Me: Are you done with the bathroom?
JG: Why? Don’t I look like I take bath?
Me: There is a lot more you can do in the bathroom. Its early morning, that’s why I asked you.
JG: You do something else too?
Me: I repair trucks, ride a cycle and pave roads when I am there. If I am feeling up to it, I fly Navy jets.
JG: Something wrong, man. You look me when I have good bath? Why you tell me that question?
Me: I am sure I don’t want to look at you when you take a bath…err..shower. Ha ha.
JG: Why?
In response, I just go to the bathroom, lock the door and start the shower. I wanted to wash all that English off me as soon as possible.

Context: I am just back from an hour of swimming. JG asks me where I was and I tell him I had gone swimming.
JG: Suggest some exercise, man. My skin is soft.
Me: There is hardly any exercise I know which makes skin hard.
JG: No, you not know me. Touch me here. (he points to his paunch)
Me: I am not touching you, whatever happens.
JG: Then how you know my skin is soft?
Me: Why would I want to know?
JG: Too much fat under my skin, man. My skin is loose.
Me: I suggest you wind yourself tightly in a nylon comforter. Then you pour petrol and, at your signal, I burn it. Your skin will be tight and you burn the fat too.
JG: How my skin tight if comforter burn?
Me: I have complex problems after swimming and also lot of headaches.
JG: You need some medicine?

One of these days, I might murder him in sleep. I know it is ‘not cricket’ but I love grammar more than this particular fellow countryman.