Listening and empathy

Allow me to start with an immodest confession - I am a good listener, have been one since quite some time.

Now that it is off my chest, I will proceed with my scholarly discourse on empathy. Yes, I have had a good night's sleep. Yes, I have had too much coffee. I am kidding, there is no such thing as 'too much coffee'.

Nevertheless, here it is.

I listen not only to what is being spoken but also the non-verbal cues like

• How is the spoken word being articulated?
• How measured is the tone?
• Is the body language consonant with the words?
• How important is topic being discussed for the speaker?
• What could the person be feeling about that topic 
• Why is this topic being discussed with me?

So, when I write about #empathy, I am on my home ground. I will lay out my opinions on various forms of communication we follow generally:

• Mails – Allows us the most time to adjust tone, flow and meaning of words. Certain words can be emphasized by making them bold, italic, underlined, etc. and combinations thereof. Also, the least spontaneous. Not much to be gleaned about frame of mind of the writer apart from the words you can read
• Chats – Though more impromptu than mails, it can still be controlled by a skilled communicator. Usage of emoticons makes it more expressive though, if you are chatting with someone like me who understands only a few, you run the risk of the other party not getting it. Or worse, explaining those and taking the fun out of it. Good for short interactions. Tests your typing skills as well 
• Voice calls – Paraphrasing Lily Tomlin, language was invented to satisfy humankind’s innate need to complain. Humor apart, it is better than the earlier two. It adds a human element, if you are really listening, you can gauge, with certain degree of accuracy, the frame of mind the other person is in. Technology plays an important role here, it could make or mar a call. Participants get easily distracted (having a laptop handy helps too) when the topic being discussed is not of their interest. Have a good laugh at while watching this video. 
• Video calls – Better than a voice call, still ranks lower than a personal interaction. You can see the top half of the other party checking out how they look on camera. Facial expressions are visible and can be connected to spoken words to get an overall picture of the speaker’s frame of mind. Limited scope for giving in to distractions since you are visible. Good lighting is essential, no one wants to look ominous with lights directly above the scalp or below the chin. 
• Face-to-face interaction – You can listen to the whole person rather than assuming the other parts. However, due to geographically distributed presence of most organizations, it is (almost always) expensive and, hence, not ideal. I prefer this the most. I have realized, folks will freely share their feelings (workload, managers and its ilk) if you let them speak

Listening has helped me immensely in my professional life – got requirements better and faster than my peers, understood clients’ pain points with systems/processes/plans/people and empathized with team members when they got overwhelmed. If, by some strange twist of fate, you find yourself in our office at Penang, come to my seat, I will be happy to listen to you. I am the stern-looking guy with thick glasses, next to the ground floor printer.

In one of my earlier organizations, a colleague unloaded her frustrations on me one day. I think she felt better, because she repeated it the next day. Then it became a week, a month, a year. Even after I left that company, she used to call after a hard day. She was polite, asking about my day as well. More interested in honing my listening skills, I would answer with a word or two. Later, we started courting and, in due course, got married and had two beautiful children. Till this day, she maintains, “In addition to listening, you should speak about your day too. Even if it was the most boring routine monotonous vanilla day ever!”

Am I the perfect husband?

I am. But please get a second opinion from my wife, she is always right. 

Am I the perfect listener? 

I know I am not.

But am I trying to be one?

Indeed.

So, as per Mr. Covey’s much-loved aphorism, try, as much as possible, to listen with the intent to understand. It will make you a good worker.

And a better person.

To wash or not to wash

Indian men aren't really pumped up about what they think as 'household chores'. 

I agree, the statement above sounds like a generalization. And the tendency appears to be changing. At least, in double income families in urban areas where the wife works too and the husband has to do the household chores. Which can also include washing utensils. 

I have a large coffee mug, I simply cannot use the small cups provided by the company I work at for a variety of reasons.

One fine afternoon I was washing my mug after coffee. There was not a single company-provided cup which was clean but a lot of used ones lining the sink. In comes a senior employee (with gray hair, no less). He looks at the used cups and me washing mine. He asks me where can he get a clean cup. I told him there are none but you can use one of the used ones after washing. 

Here is what he said, verbatim, "Life has not brought me to that stage where I have to wash a cup. But since you are already washing your mug, why dont you wash one of these cups for me?"

I looked at him and said, "I will stand here to watch you drink coffee out of your palms. Please don't disappoint me."

Which he did. 

He walked away.

Xenclaustrobibliomania

Xenagorabibliomania: An obsessive curiosity about the books strangers read in open spaces

This word reminds me of my shamelessness when it comes to reading. 

About a decade ago, during monsoon season, I undertook a train journey which was 14 hours long. Since it was unplanned, I was sitting in the cramped un-reserved compartment. Next to me was a forty-ish guy who had just started 'The Doomsday Conspiracy'. Not being a big fan of fiction, I deliberately avoided peering into the book. After a long period of five full minutes, curiosity took over. 

Old habits die hard. 

After some time, irritated by my shoulder surfing, he stared daggers at me. I, suddenly, found something interesting outside the window. He returned to his book. 

Thirty seconds later, I, too, returned to his book.

This happened quite a few times. 

Finally, irritated enough, he shoved the book, not in his bag but in my face and snarled, "You read it first!" 

It would have been stupid to pass over such a generous offer. On a 14 hour journey. With nothing interesting to see outside. 

With a rousing "God bless you!" to his incredulous face, I accepted the book.

And that is how I accompanied Robert Bellamy on his dangerous mission to find those bus passengers in Switzerland and escape liquidation. 

I coin the word 'xenclaustrobibliomania' for such situations. 

All those in favor, say 'Aye!' 

(Do NOT) Take Tours

This is a review of 3-Day Niagara Falls, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Watkins Glen Tour from New York. This is planned and executed by Take Tours. 

I undertook this tour with my wife. 

Itinerary is jam packed. If you are a first time traveler, you can either take photos or soak in the scene but not both. Not suitable for people travelling with young children or seniors. Definitely not advisable for differently abled. 

If your tour guide is Jane Wei, please try to get another tour guide or tour, if possible. 

If not, pray. 

Please read below to find out more. 

At Washington, we opted out of the ferry. Due to which we had an hour to ourselves. We visited the Holocaust Museum and were to return to the bus at 1615 hrs. On the way back, my wife slipped on one of the stairs and sprained her ankle. I immediately called Jane and told her we would be late by five minutes due to my wife's condition. She curtly instructed us to not to delay more than two minutes. I half-dragged my wife to reach the bus well in time. Jane saw us approaching the bus; we were waving like crazy asking her to wait till we reach the bus. 

She waved back. 

Which also means she had seen us. 

We must have been not more than twenty meters away when she boarded the bus and, despite our pleadings, drove away. 

Leaving us stranded in Washington with no knowledge of the geography. And no pedestrians to ask for directions. 

I called her again and she said, even though she could see us coming, she could not wait more. She instructed us to reach the Space Center by any means possible or the bus will drive away to Niagara and we will have to arrange our own transportation till there. 

Fortunately, we saw one pedestrian who was going in the same direction. My wife and I hobbled for a mile and a quarter in forty five minutes. Jane apologized halfheartedly for the tough time we had. I mumbled 'Thanks but no thanks'. 

Entry to Watkins Glen is free but, if you opt, you will be charge USD 10 and asked to sign an undertaking saying you are paying that amount to the travel company.You are warned. 

Though the bus stops for ten minutes every couple of hours for bathroom breaks; those ten minutes are sharply enforced. If you do not get a chance to use the john, you will have to hold it till the next stop. They do not allow usage of washroom inside the bus giving silly excuses like the whole bus will smell. 

I recommend this tour 
- if you are new to New York and the neighboring states
- if you have super strong bladder and sphincters
- if you don't mind eating Chinese for all meals
- if you understand all kinds of English accents, including a really bad Chinese one
- If you don't mind being mistreated despite paying in full
- If you don't mind wasting USD 8 per day per person as a tip to the the guide and driver

If you have any relative/friend who stays nearby, lodge with them and explore the area on your own. 

And get them gifts when you arrive/leave.

PS: I have written this review at their site too. Lets see if they have the heart to post it. 

United...we delay

It all starts when you get on any travel aggregator site, optimize the time, stopovers, arrivals, jet lag, baggage allowance etc. Then you book the tickets.

And hope.

And pray.

That the airlines fly on time.

However, if you booked United airlines, good luck to you. Hope your family supports you. Hope God or the Supreme Being or Nature or Probability is smiling on you.

We (my wife and I) flew United from BOM to SFO via EWR. And back. What we did not realize is the amount of time they will suck out of our lives.

And scar us.

For an airline running for about 90 years or so, you may be forgiven if you think they have

-          Their manpower planning and scheduling correct

-          They know the rules and regulations governing the aviation industry

-          They know how to treat their customers

-          The flight and crew knows what they are doing

-          The airline itself knows what it is doing

Congratulations!

How does it feel to be wrong on all accounts?

Here is our firsthand experience.

We were to take the BOM-EWR flight UA 49 on 01 October 2015 at 2320 IST. Guess when did we board the flight? On 02 October 2015 at 0830 hrs IST. And we finally took off at 0915 hrs on the same day.

Total delay: About 10 hrs

Why, you find your inquisitive self asking. Reasons given to us were

• The flight attendants and pilots cannot fly more than eight or twelve hours at a stretch. And BOM-EWR is a fourteen hour journey. Apparently, it was not apparent to United that fourteen is greater than eight or twelve.
• Something called a flight fatigue which is dangerous and the pilots’ and attendants’ union (existence assumed) knows it
• The plane which was to carry us to EWR had not arrived due the reasons above

Once we took off, we thought we are covered now, we will go to EWR and all will be forgotten.

Bah, you poor suckers!

Flight fatigue reared up once again and we were routed to Heathrow (LHR). A new crew boarded the plane; the current crew stretched themselves on business class.

Well, what about us?

We were told to stretch and help ourselves with juice/water and crackers kept at the end of the plane. They said they had tea/coffee too; but passengers were neither taught not allowed to operate the machines. They were also considerate enough to switch off the AC for the two hours we spent at LHR. So that we do not face the London cold. Of course we could not deplane; naah, why would London want us?

Time we lost at LHR: 2 hours.

Total time lost: 10 hours.

The new pilot apologized off-handedly in a perky voice and instructed us to be happy since we were getting extra desserts.

How cool is that?

After customs and immigration at EWR, we thought our troubles were over.

We were so naïve!

The EWR-SFO flight (UA 1735) was delayed for about two hours. Which brings the total time lost to 12 hours.

Half a day lost in airplanes and airports. One day, if you consider my wife and myself.

The SFO-EWR (UA 1796) flight was delayed due to, you know it by now; amazing manpower scheduling. This is the sequence of events, pardon my blasphemy if you can:

1. In the beginning, there was no plane
2. Then United said, “Let there be a plane” and there was
3. But United had forgotten to say “Let there be crew and attendants.” Hence there were none
4. When it remembered, United said ‘Let there be crew and attendants’. And there were.

Between steps 1 to 4, we lost three hours.

Total time lost: Fifteen hours.

The EWR-BOM (UA 48) return journey would have been amusing if it was not so irritating.

Much to our surprise, we boarded on time. We went to the runway an hour late; mere blip if you consider how much we lost so far. And, to our greater surprise, we returned to the boarding gate!

The reason: Pilot and attendants were to from a flight that was to go to Israel! And the actual crew for this flight was in the Israel flight.

Total time lost: Sixteen hours.

At the boarding gate, we were given an option to deplane. Only, please take your luggage with you. Valuable guests (that’s us, we were ingrate to have forgotten that) were getting fidgety. Cramped valuable guests starting pacing the aisle. Prompting one of the flight attendants (with dyed brown hair) to say, “I have had it with these stupid a**holes congesting the aisles.” Then she saw me, I gave her a wide smile and said, “Tu habla Español?’ To which she replied in negative. To which I replied, “I am fluent in English. And I heard what you said just now. What is your name, lady?”

She scooted without any response.

Quite cleverly, she did not have a tag. And, being the obedient passenger/guest I am, I had switched off my cellphone before the abandoned takeoff. Otherwise, I would have taken a picture/video of her saying that.  

Anyway, after another couple of hours, we had the actual crew. After another complimentary dessert and fourteen hours we landed at BOM fifteen minutes before the ETA. But we were too tired, jetlagged and disinterested to notice that. But I did ask the dyed brown hair stewardess to take a step back since she was congesting the aisle.

Total time lost: Nineteen hours.

And what do we get for all that loss?

A mail from Senior Vice President, Customers saying ‘We are sorry that your flight was delayed on your trip from Newark to Mumbai (Bombay)… We value your business and look forward to delivering a better experience the next time you fly with us.’

That’s all!

No mention of the other delayed flights. Just a boiler plate mail. No compensation offered, not even frequent flyer miles!

There will be no next time, United. 

Miyan ki Malhaar

Ragas are soliloquies and meditations, passionate melodies that draw circles and triangles in a mental space, a geometry of sounds that can turn a room into a fountain, a spring, a pool - Octavio Paz

Yesterday, it was raining a non-proverbial 'cows and buffaloes'. My commute, which generally eats two and a half hours of my life everyday, took three and a half. Keeping me company was Raag Miyan ki Malhaar sung by the Gundecha brothers. The verse is written by Saint Tulsidas is in the Awadhi dialect, which I dont understand fully.

And it did not stop me from translating the same to English.

Original lyrics
Ghan ghamand nabh garjat ghora, priya heen darpat man mora
Damini damak rahat nabh mahi, khal ke preeti jatha thir nahi
Barasahi jalan bhoomi niyraaye, jatha nabhahin guni vidya paaye
Boond aghat sahayin giri aise, khal ke bachan sant saha jaise
Chhudra nadi bahi chali tyorayi, jas toreiun dal khal itrai
Samiti samiti jal bharihin talaba, jimi sajjan sadguna pahinaava
Sarita jal jal nidhi mahoon jaayi, hoohin achal jin jeev hari paayi

My translation
The clouds, full of pride, are roaring fiercely in the sky; without my beloved, my mind is scared
Just like the capricious love of the unscrupulous, the clouds are brightened momentarily by the lightning
Just like the rainwater that flows as per the slope of land, knowledge moves towards the able
Just like a sage who tolerates the barbs of evil, the mountains are enduring the impact of raindrops
Just like the evil who become arrogant after tasting success, the rivers, fed with rain water, are swaggering over the banks
Just like the way the virtuous inculcate good qualities, the lakes are collecting water from here and there
Just like the way a soul is at peace after meeing Hari, the flowing rivers calm down after meeting the sea

The incessant rains, the apt lyrics and distinct taal of the mridangam made the traffic jam bearable.

Nay, it turned the stifling bus ride into a powerfully cascading waterfall.

Respite

‘Raahat’ in Urdu or Hindi means respite or relief.  

It is also a name, particularly among the Muslims. Some of you might have heard about Raahat Fateh Ali Khan, the versatile singer capably shouldering the legacy of his uncle, the great Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan. But this post is not about him. It is about his namesake, a little known scrap dealer on the Thane-Belapur road, you may never encounter.

This incident happened about six months ago.

Halfway during my ride home, my bike refused to go further. A preliminary check found that the fuel tank was dry. And I was about two and a half kilometre away from the nearest petrol pump.

Somehow, I managed to get a bottle from the locals. I started the walk. After a hundred meters, I thought of hitching a ride. After a score of vehicles passed by, one biker stopped. But he was not going the way I wanted to. I thanked him and started looking for the next vehicle. That guy went a few metres ahead, parked his bike and walked towards me. He asked me why I was looking for a ride. Then he saw the bottle in my hand.

Petrol khatam ho gaya kya? (Are you out of petrol?)

Haan, petrol pump tak lift chahiye thi. (Yes, I was looking for a lift till the petrol pump)

Bas? (Is that all?)

Haan. (Yes)

Ekdum barabar aadmi ko rukaya phir tumne. Lao apni bottle. (Then you stopped the right person. Bring your bottle)

He unplugged his bike’s fuel pipe and gave me half a litre of petrol. When I tried to pay him, his reply was, “Paise loonga toh Khuda ko kya muh dikhaoonga? Kabhi yaad kar lena humein, woh bhi kaafi hoga.” Translated to English it means, “How will I face the Lord if I accept your money? It would be enough for me if you think of me once in a while.”

This was when petrol was almost Rs.80/- per litre.

Raahat had not only saved me a hike, he also saved me some money. But, above all, he taught me not to expect anything in return of a good deed.

I know you cannot read English, Raahat. There is close to zero possibility that you will know this post is about you. It has been six months but, every time I get the bike tank filled, you are the first person I think of.

May your tribe increase!